Title: The One Who Remembers

Location: Alhambra, CA

Death of a Dream

The fuel that has always powered me my entire life was my Passion to do my part to make the World A Better Place. Although I always felt like a Wandering Misfit I accepted the wisdom of my Inner Voice whenever it told me to explore yet another path. I was a Born Seeker - - even my last name See(g)er was a hint.

In the 80's I had a dream/OBE where I remembered being commissioned for my Life Purpose. I was given an emerald medallion and told “Always remember … You are Shimalaii … The One who shines with purity.” This vivid recollection ensured me that I was a member of a “tribe”. Although I was not aware of their exact identities, I believed that one day we would be reunited and all the years of feeling abandoned would be instantly stripped away.

About 16 years ago I become so discouraged by what I was witnessing in the World-At-Large that I retreated as a recluse, taking the path of the hermit. Psychiatrists called it Major Depression. I called it: “I have to dive deeper than ever before while I learn to live life as a constant prayer.”

Since Inner Work has no pay scale attached to it, this decision ushered in several cycles of homelessness for me. And I actually did some of my best learning during these cycles. On the other hand, I couldn't bear to be separated from my beloved animal companions, so I became creative. I decided I would/could enter Win/Win situations if I started to live with older women who had needs I could fulfill. I called them my “Queens”.

I enjoyed the most sacred and special bond with my 4^th Queen, Valdene. She was 100% bed bound and blind and we adore(d) each other. We were together nearly 4 years. One morning, near the end of her human life, I spontaneously transcribed a poem starting with the words “I Woke Up”. And indeed it DID seem I had awoken to an entirely new level of understanding of EVERYTHING. In addition the gifts of Writing, Singing, and Art exploded within me overnight. Finally the seed of a Vision of a non-profit organization with various subdivisions bloomed like a Perfect Flower in my heart and mind.

I was excited because it felt it was the culmination and “Answer” of my lifelong Dream to do my part to make the world a Better Place. I knew I didn't have the money to execute this vision but I believed that others would be enthused by the dramatic things I was experiencing and someone would step forward to help. I also observed many “connections” and “clues” which made me believe that at least some members of my “tribe” were aware (on some level) that I was ripe and ready to move ahead in a new phase of my work.

I started to write hundreds and hundreds of pages of what I believed would/could be a powerful book that could impact people. I saw within my life story a perfect metaphor for humanity moving through various stages to arrive at a BreakThrough point. If more pockets of individuals realize the power of living according to an alternate paradigm, a new Universal Being would/could emerge, and maybe my book could contribute to that goal.

If it is not obvious by now, I have always and continue to interpret my life experiences in Spiritual terms, probably because my core connection with Source was ALWAYS what most mattered to me.

The Thing Is … I am now homeless, living in a U-Haul, trying to care for my fur kids, with no human support network, and totally uncertain what tomorrow will bring. And it appears the Big Crime that landed me here is that I am an “unrealistic” Dreamer of such Big Dreams that they don't seem to “fit” into the established context of anyone's day-to-day life. This painful circumstance plus a recent conversation with a former friend has become a huge “slap in the face.” Furthermore the slap has hastened a stinging speculation: Does everything I am describing have an alternate explanation? Am I just living out a manic episode of that which is termed Bipolar Disorder? Are all the “connections” I see just the result of a misfiring of chemicals in my brain?

Or, perhaps it doesn't matter which interpretation wins out (Spiritual vs. Psychiatric). Because the only pivotal point to me at the moment is this: I have lived ten lifetimes in the past 5 months. This added to the previous 54 years of specializing in The Blues has drained me. I have perfected my Solo through decades of dedicated devotion to Spirit as I learned to befriend and embrace billions of miles of sadness and pain. I did all of this because I was following my Inner Voice. All of that time I ALWAYS remembered the Bliss of Oneness and I patiently waited for the Perfect moment when I might once again taste a bit of it. If Waking Up fully in the Deepest Ground of my unique Beingness is not enough to usher in my Rainbow Chorus, then I have run out of ideas.

I still desperately love the planet/humanity and am not extinguishing my fervent hope that healing for both will be forthcoming. But I have given all I know how to give. I can not personally swallow any more Pain and Separation without some kind of Triumphant Indication that I have been heard and others want to endorse my Dream. I need and I deserve a home, whether it be in this world or via my self-chosen exit to the next. Living in a U-Haul is not going to work for me much longer.

Member Since: Thursday, May 04 2006

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